For as terrified as I am of contracting flesh-eating viruses and other communicable diseases, I think it’s weird that I don’t have much in the way of O.C.D. Sure, I have my little quirks, like if I see someone wearing camouflage who is in no way in the correct environment to render said camouflage useful, [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #2: Discovering the Chuck Norris of the Iguana World
Scientists have found that iguanas are capable of committing suicide. I’m pretty sure they aren’t capable of being resuscitated - I don’t know anyone who’s going to go mouth to mouth with a death-rattling lab lizard, even Bill Nye - so the evidence seems definitive. But I don’t really care about any of that. Why they haven’t investigated [...]
Anxiety Activator #6: Attempting to end my Ambien Love Affair (Part Three)
Does the following statement sound familiar to you? “Wait! Where are you going? It’s only 12:30 a.m. We still have more Walker to watch. Come back! He’s about to figure out who’s killing the Native Americans with contaminated milk. Don’t go! Don’t leave me all alone! It’s still early!” If so, then you may be suffering [...]
Anxiety Activator #5: Attempting to end my Ambien Love Affair (Part Two)
Upon conducting in-depth research for a recent post about my love affair with Ambien, I uncovered a startling truth: I have been taking this fine pharmacological hallucinogen since I was a sophomore in high school. Soon after discovering this astonishing information I found that I couldn’t sleep, took an Ambien, and subsequently forgot about the [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #1: Horned Toads that Squirt Blood from their Eyeballs When Angered
When angered, horned toads shoot blood out of their eyeballs. Obviously, this recently uncovered information means one thing and one thing only: I am getting a new pet. (Who’s cool now, Paris Hilton? I bet your Parkinson’s afflicted Chihuahua seems pretty useless all of a sudden. I think we both know whose pet would when [...]
Frequently Asked Question #5: In Regard to the Side Effects of my Copious Ambien Consumption…
What in the hell must the neighbors think? Ambien. It is the most popular prescription sleep aid in the nation, and why shouldn’t it be? I say. My love affair with Ambien has been thriving for nearly a decade. Sure, we’ve separated more than once when I’ve gone through a silly, little phase I refer [...]
A Gift for you, Loyal Reader
While hanging out with my older brother, Cherd, recently, we happened to uncover what is the finest homage to one Walker Texas Ranger I have ever laid my visual-snow afflicted eyeballs upon. For you, dear friend, I offer up a treat. Enjoy.
Infrequently Answered Question # 4: How Many Babies per 1,000 are Born Hermies?
When in a pinch and seeking to get something done through the age-old art of bribery, I often find myself offering up my first-born hermaphrodite. I’ve yet to procreate and truthfully have no desire to, but I’m aware that if I don’t get busy soon, I could be facing a class action lawsuit filed by [...]
