It’s after one-thirty in the morning and as I was about to commence my nightly ritual of taking my Ambien and watching Raccoon Attack on NatGeo, I happened to glance down the side of the two liter jug of root beer I was swilling. There, on the faux-wooden barrel label, that ominous little exclamation mark [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #7: Buying Inappropriate Holiday Gifts for my Family
Well, I guess it’s good I didn’t make any full commitments to the church of Jehovah’s Witnessery, no offense Witnesses, but Christmas shopping really wasn’t that bad this year. In fact, I really found myself getting into the giving spirit last night. For my three little nephews in Colorado, I discovered the best figurines I’ve ever [...]
Anxiety Activator #14: Anger Sharks and Religious Persecution
Brian has refused to accept that I’ve become Jehovah’s Witness this Christmas and is rather infuriated that I have yet to purchase a single present for anyone in our painfully large families. Apparently I am being commanded to shop tonight – very much against my will. I am pretty sure this violates my first amendment [...]
Anxiety Activator #13: Life as the Hungry Hypochondriac
While I’m not nearly as batshit crazy of a hypochondriac as I used to be, I am concerned that my strict diet of Lucky Charms, Parmesan Goldfish, and whipped dessert topping may have something to do with the fact that I haven’t had a bowel movement since the last time I mistakenly ingested an entire [...]
Anxiety Activator #12: My Husband’s Grand Exit from Panda Express
While leaving Panda Express last night (that’s right, we’re high rollers), Bri kicked the door open with such force that it smashed hard enough against the wall that the handle stuck for a split second before swinging back as chunks of stucco and plaster rained from the newly installed hole in the wall. It was [...]
