ANXIETY HELL

While I’m not nearly as batshit crazy of a hypochondriac as I used to be, I am concerned that my strict diet of Lucky Charms, Parmesan Goldfish, and whipped dessert topping may have something to do with the fact that I haven’t had a bowel movement since the last time I mistakenly ingested an entire Ex-Lax candy bar. Who can eat just one nugget? I’ll tell you, and that is a person who knows what happens when you don’t eat just one. In any case, it’s been a while and since my body recovered, I’ve been taking less shit than Walker Texas Ranger in a fight scene. I’m worried that I may be entering the irritable bowels of hell syndrome.

I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I was determined to get to the bottom of things. Luckily, so was my new gastroenterologist.

He suggested I add Benefiber as part of this delicious breakfast, but it’s been hours and I’ve yet to experience any results besides extreme bloating in my marsupial pouch region.

As you know from reading my Master Cleanse post, I’ve traditionally lacked the willpower to sustain diets that last longer than six to eight hours. But this time is different; I’m going to embark on a healthier eating and exercise plan that may or may not involve Jazzercise. Just as soon as I finish this tub of Co-oo-ool Whip! While I’m scraping the bucket with a piece of licorice, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started on your diet as well.

My mom has been rather vocal about my attempts at weight loss and has provided the following tidbits of advice. Her nutritional intervention may not help me channel my inner Skeletor, but it sure makes me feel a hell of a lot better about my inability to put down my spork.

“Nikki! If you don’t eat just a little bit of meat soon, you are going to wind up with anemia and a serious protein deficiency!” That’s right my fellow vegetarians! Pepperoni will save your life. Open wide.

“Finish your cheesecake, Nikki! It’s good for you. It has calcium and protein.”

“Oh my God, Nikki! Did you skip breakfast again? Cool Whip does not count! Here, eat these fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. The chocolate boosts your serotonin levels and they’ll stabilize your blood sugar.”

My mom is an amazing cook and I typically gain about seven to nine pounds when I visit. So in order to achieve my weight loss goals, I’m going to have to come up with a plan for resisting temptation, which is especially difficult because she has me convinced I will die if I don’t enjoy a heaping portion of her mac and cheese. She makes it from scratch! Who does that?

So while I’m putting together a new diet plan and a strategy for warding off our mothers this holiday season, I suggest you consider just how likely you are to lose an eye or foot to Type Delicious Diabetes this Kwanza. And by “you” I mean “me.” As a hypochondriac, the best way for me to avoid interaction with anything is to remember that it could kill or maim me. In the case of dessert, remember, it could do both.

I’ll be back soon with a heaping helping of Hungry Hypochondriac advice for the holidays.