Well, I guess it’s good I didn’t make any full commitments to the church of Jehovah’s Witnessery, no offense Witnesses, but Christmas shopping really wasn’t that bad this year. In fact, I really found myself getting into the giving spirit last night. For my three little nephews in Colorado, I discovered the best figurines I’ve ever seen.
Two are African American Deluxe Adrenaline wrestlers, who even in their dark chocolaty plasticity maintain the crazed look of PCP junkies intent on clocking some hos. Their eyes are bulging like their Speedo-clad cod pieces as they pose with fists in the air, extra large teeth bared like Gary Busey’s, and mouths snarling as if both Lashley and Orlando are about to kill some bitches. Those came in a two pack and because I still had yet another nephew to bestow sweet gifts upon, I selected the only other Deluxe Aggression doll in a single pack.
This one was clearly rendered in the likeness of a Hispanic gangsta doin’ extra time for shanking the guards on his cell block. He has a skullet (half skull, half mullet, for the layman), creepy facial hair, and MC Hammer-style crab pants tucked into wrestling boots. But the best part about Sabu, is that he comes with Sabu’s Action Accessory Face Print Chair. A diagram reveals exactly how to utilize this added surprise with an illustration of Sabu’s face pressed through the seat of the chair, which is being slammed into his head by a mysterious detached arm. The 3D outline of Sabu’s nose and mouth are visibly pressing through the chair, due to the blunt force and, obviously, the robust quality of his facial features that are strong enough to make facial molds out of steel chairs.
Just in case my beloved tots, who are more of the intellectual and studious types, fail to appreciate the inherent genius in their prison dolls, I got them some Star Wars toys, too. But what really cheered me up last night was watching my husband shop for himself as we scanned the crammed aisles of Wal Mart for message chairs, sound machines, and other crap no one really wants and will throw away come the new year.
Watching the joy on Brian’s face when he discovered Wal Mart had $6 machetes was priceless. He’s always wanted one, but had never come across one that was so affordable and just sitting in a toy section. He lit up like a kid in a cheap weapons store who sampled the napalm.
As soon as we got home he was playing with all his new cheap toys: the three-foot machete, a flint stick, and a nightshade blindfold he purchased so that I could read in bed without the light bothering him. The look of pure happiness that spread across his face when his giant knife struck fire out of the flint stick was the most heart (and face) warming thing I’ve seen in years. I only wish he had a mirror and wasn’t wearing the blindfold so he could have seen it himself.
I guess I learned a very important lesson this holiday season. When you let the stress get the best of you and you lower your expectations to the point where you can hardly get out of bed, well, when you finally do drag your lazy and negative ass outside, you’ll find that things aren’t as bad as you imagined they would be – granted you had imagined they would be really, really, really bad. It pays to be a pessimist; I’m usually happily surprised.
So remember, buying people inappropriate presents to make yourself laugh is a great way to enjoy the festivities. It’s not like I didn’t know this from personal experience, but I somehow forgot. Six and three quarter stars years ago, when I was a fetus committing to holy matrimony, Brian and I gave my grandparents His-and-Hers lingerie in honor of their not having gotten divorced for longer than any other living couple we knew. It was a tender moment. I can only hope my nephews have as precious of a moment when they open their aggression dolls and try out the face smashing chair accessory.
Merry Christmas Eve, my friends!
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Hopefully Brian will get some lessons handling that blade before he looks like a 3-toed sloth. It’s tough going through life without opposing thumbs. For proper handling, take a look at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01NHcTM5IA4