Yep, that’s right. I said it and I’m sticking to it. Cloris Leachman’s cleavage calms me down and I’ll tell you why. It gives me hope. Sure, having hope means having hope that I’ll be able to afford plastic surgery by the time I, too, am a sassy octogenarian, and not having hope that gravity [...]
Recap: Full List of Anxiety Alleviators (so far…)
Anxiety Alleviator # 1: Horned Toads that Squirt Blood from their Eyeballs When Angered Anxiety Alleviator # 2: Discovering the Chuck Norris of the Iguana World Anxiety Alleviator # 3: Playing the Cowbell Anxiety Alleviator #4: This Week’s Reading Rainbow Selection about a Crazed Taxidermist Anxiety Alleviator # 5: Going Amish as I Say Goodbye [...]
Recap: Full List of Anxiety Activators (so far…)
Anxiety Activator # 1: The Handicapped Stall Door in the Chili’s Restroom that Detached from its Hinges and Landed on my Foot Anxiety Activator # 2: My Failure to Look Like Lara Flynn Boyle after Six Straight Hours on the Master Cleanse Lemonade Fast Anxiety Activator #3: The Ocho AKA My Husband’s Truck that has [...]
Anxiety Activator #26: Parrots
I don’t think we even need to discuss this one. But if we did need to, I would point out Exhibit A: Birds Are Not Supposed to Talk. Ever. Not even in Hollywood blockbusters like Beverly Hills Bald Eagle. Ooo, that would be a good porn name spin on that stupid chihuahua movie that also [...]
Anxiety Activator #25: The Sound Effects on the ATM Machine
There I am, just attempting to get a couple of twenties out of my checking account, when all of a sudden the goddamn ATM machine acquires Tourette’s Syndrome. It starts in on some crazed impression of a steam shovel with blaring emergency reverse warning beeps as if it knows it’s about to back over a paralyzed construction worker. BONG, [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #10: Sheriff John Burnell’s Disproportionate Amounts of Rage
As you know, I recently went through a period of abstaining from my habitual consumption of hours upon hours of fine TV viewing per night. It was a difficult adjustment that involved a lot of reading of books, gnashing of teeth, and contemplation of jumping out windows. But then I realized we only live on [...]
Anxiety Activator #24: Buying Bulk Fiber…in Bulk
Yesterday, due to the current times we are living in, I experienced a combination of two very unfortunate things. The first was that I needed to save money and had a penurious budget allotted for my shopping trip to Costco. The second was that I was out of both toilet paper and Benefiber — obviously [...]
Anxiety Activator #23: Writing Blog Posts About Unicorns
Like so many things in life, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought I might share with you the wondrous calming powers of unicorn imaging relaxation techniques or UIRTs, but then I realized: that’s just weird. That’s downright embarrassing. And then I started to get that sick feeling in the pit [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #9: Unicorns
Well, they are kind of soothing if you think about it. Oh, you’re a pretty one, aren’t you? I can feel my heart rate slowing just looking at your soft coat. Why, you’re magical, unicorn. Let me mount you and let’s ride far, far away from Planet Panic Attack, unicorn. I think I love you.
Anxiety Activator #22: ESP
What could be creepier than some psychic freak like the Dog Whisperer sidling up to you and reading your every intimate thought? It’s just really freaks me out to imagine someone else knowing all of my innermost thoughts, anxieties, and brain ramblings. God, if Caesar Milan was here right now he’d know that I was [...]
