As you know, I recently went through a period of abstaining from my habitual consumption of hours upon hours of fine TV viewing per night. It was a difficult adjustment that involved a lot of reading of books, gnashing of teeth, and contemplation of jumping out windows. But then I realized we only live on [...]
Anxiety Activator #24: Buying Bulk Fiber…in Bulk
Yesterday, due to the current times we are living in, I experienced a combination of two very unfortunate things. The first was that I needed to save money and had a penurious budget allotted for my shopping trip to Costco. The second was that I was out of both toilet paper and Benefiber — obviously [...]
Anxiety Activator #23: Writing Blog Posts About Unicorns
Like so many things in life, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought I might share with you the wondrous calming powers of unicorn imaging relaxation techniques or UIRTs, but then I realized: that’s just weird. That’s downright embarrassing. And then I started to get that sick feeling in the pit [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #9: Unicorns
Well, they are kind of soothing if you think about it. Oh, you’re a pretty one, aren’t you? I can feel my heart rate slowing just looking at your soft coat. Why, you’re magical, unicorn. Let me mount you and let’s ride far, far away from Planet Panic Attack, unicorn. I think I love you.
Anxiety Activator #22: ESP
What could be creepier than some psychic freak like the Dog Whisperer sidling up to you and reading your every intimate thought? It’s just really freaks me out to imagine someone else knowing all of my innermost thoughts, anxieties, and brain ramblings. God, if Caesar Milan was here right now he’d know that I was [...]
Anxiety Activator #21: The Safety Information Materials Tucked into the Seat Pocket in Front of You
Why must they torture us? It’s just ridiculous. What kind of sadistic illustrator works for the FAA, anyway? Don’t they realize these are the kinds of images we are trying NOT to imagine upon takeoff. The horror! The sweaty palms! The inability to drown out the flight attendant’s oxygen mask instructions with my internal prayers [...]
Anxiety Activator #20: Overachievers
There’s really nothing more anxiety-inducing than hearing about all the success and fortune that comes to those who don’t appreciate the joys of spending straight fortnights sprawled across a freshly Fabreezed couch watching Walker Texas Ranger reruns. I’m aware my own appreciation for the aforementioned finer things in life is likely a side effect of my many [...]
