There’s really nothing more anxiety-inducing than hearing about all the success and fortune that comes to those who don’t appreciate the joys of spending straight fortnights sprawled across a freshly Fabreezed couch watching Walker Texas Ranger reruns. I’m aware my own appreciation for the aforementioned finer things in life is likely a side effect of my many sedatives, but the very thought of going off them and doing something productive with my life gives me a panic attack. In fact, this thought gives me a panic attack so bad that I find myself reaching for more Klonopin, thus proving that the mere thought of productivity is hazardous to my health.
People with that get-up-and-go really irk me with their uncanny ability to make me look lazy by comparison. Put me in a Venn diagram with just about any overachiever and I will gawk at the empty white space in the middle. This obvious juxtaposition of Oprah’s use of time verses mine leaves me paralyzed by the weight of my inertia. But there is a cure for this painful anxiety activator and it’s called Anxiety Alleviator #3: Making Venn Diagrams of Your Use of Time verses The Insane Homeless Man’s on the Corner. Sure, there might be some shared traits in the middle space, such as contemplating various uses of old newspapers — they make fine hats – but I guarantee you’ll win out some time after the last post in his circle ends on making donut pile sculptures. Talk about a waste of time.
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