There I am, just attempting to get a couple of twenties out of my checking account, when all of a sudden the goddamn ATM machine acquires Tourette’s Syndrome. It starts in on some crazed impression of a steam shovel with blaring emergency reverse warning beeps as if it knows it’s about to back over a paralyzed construction worker. BONG, BONG, BONG.
The text is screaming TAKE CASH, the invisible speaker is on overdrive, BONG BONG BONG, and the guy next to me is glaring at me like I’m some kind of lunatic whose soul purpose in life is to annoy the crap out of bank customers. “That’s right asshole,” I want to say, in between deep breaths meant to ward off a panic attack. “This is my favorite song, ‘Ode to the Metronome’. Let’s just stand here and enjoy it together, shall we?”
BONG BONG BONG, it chimes at top decibels. TAKE CASH. Where the f*ck is my cash?! Just spit it out already, ATM! Spit it out and shut the hell up! AHHHH!!! For the love!
So I put my hand closer to the cash slot as if that’s somehow going to speed up the whole agonizing dispensing problem. BONG BONG BONG. I curse the camera, hoping the little midget operating the warning beep will just stop torturing me.
Then, with all the reluctance of an abused Mexican prisoner handing over his last peso bribe, it locks me in a game of tug-o-war as I rip the cash away from it. Deep breath. Phew. OK, I’m good. Ah, sweet silence.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE ANOTHER TRANASCTION? it asks. No! For the love of God, no! I press the screen where it says return card. Return my card, you little fucker!
TAKE CARD, it tells me.
BONG BONG BONG BONG.
TAKE CARD, it flashes.
Where the F*CK is my card?!!!
Stop staring at me, angry teller, I’m trying!
No wonder we’re in a credit crisis. You have to listen to a freaking car alarm for fifteen minutes just to get your hard-earned cash out. Seriously, people, next time you hear that incessant beeping, just smile at the embarrassed idiot next to you, and remember, it’s not her fault.
You're the devil, ATM beeper
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I hate that alarm too! Thx 4 sharing.