ANXIETY HELL

Anxiety Activator # 1: The Handicapped Stall Door in the Chili’s Restroom that Detached from its Hinges and Landed on my Foot

Anxiety Activator # 2: My Failure to Look Like Lara Flynn Boyle after Six Straight Hours on the Master Cleanse Lemonade Fast

Anxiety Activator #3: The Ocho AKA My Husband’s Truck that has an Estimated Kelly Blue Book Value of Eight Pesos

Anxiety Activator #4: Taping up Nicole; Not What Jesus Would Do

Anxiety Activator # 5: Attempting to end my Ambien Love Affair (Part Two)

Anxiety Activator #6: Attempting to end my Ambien Love Affair (Part Three)

Anxiety Activator # 7: Camouflage

Anxiety Activator # 8: The Behavior of my Fellow Gym Patrons During the Olympics

Anxiety Activator # 9: My TV. That’s Right, Keep it up, TiVo, and I Will Bitch Slap You to Next Week’s New Episode of Locked up Abroad!

Anxiety Activator # 10: The Deliverance Soundtrack Blaring from my Neighbor’s Window

Anxiety Activator #11: Getting Stuck at a Red Light after Making Obscene Gestures at Protestors whose Beliefs Differ from Mine

Anxiety Activator #12: My Husband’s Grand Exit from Panda Express

Anxiety Activator #13: Life as the Hungry Hypochondriac

Anxiety Activator #14: Anger Sharks and Religious Persecution

Anxiety Activator #15: Innocuous Soda Pop, or Drink of Death?

Anxiety Activator #16: The Most Unfortunate Typo Ever

Anxiety Activator #17: Gary Busey

Anxiety Activator #18: Raccoon Attacks and Warning Labels

Anxiety Activator #19: Hearing Your Neighbors Spawn

Anxiety Activator # 20: Overachievers

Anxiety Activator #21: The Safety Information Materials Tucked into the Seat Pocket in Front of You

Anxiety Activator #22: ESP

Anxiety Activator #23: Writing Blog Posts About Unicorns

Anxiety Activator #24: Buying Bulk Fiber…in Bulk

Anxiety Activator #25: The Sound Effects on the ATM Machine

Anxiety Activator #26: Parrots

Anxiety Activator #27: Working at Starbucks

Anxiety Activator #28: Fortune Cookies

Anxiety Activator #29: The Three-Eyed Man Quoted in an Actual Car Insurance Claim

Anxiety Activator #30: Fabio’s Official Online Fan Club, that is Now Promoting Cannibalism because Apparently Having an Online Fan Club for Fabio Wasn’t Creepy Enough on its Own

Anxiety Activator #31: More Unbelievable Quotes from Actual Car Insurance Collision Reports

Anxiety Activator #32: This Season’s Finale of The Bachelor

Anxiety Activator #33: That No One Else Seems to Care about How Mr. Butterworth Feels

Anxiety Activator #34: The Public Restroom Inside of the Del Taco in Costa Mesa on 17th Street

Anxiety Activator #35: Double Roasted Salsa

Anxiety Activator #36: Holiday Food Coloring’s Effect on Sewage

Anxiety Activator #37: Spurned Romantic Advances toward the Elderly

Anxiety Activator #38: The Dentist who Jammed a Needle in my Pie Hole Nerve and Paralyzed my Face for a Week

Anxiety Activator #39: The Various Ways Meth Addicts are Ruining my Life and my Ability to Enjoy my Sinus Infection

Anxiety Activator #40: Optimism

Anxiety Alleviator #Can’t Remember: Alpacas

Anxiety Activator #42: Seahorses

Anxiety Activator #43: The “Generally Mild” Side Effect of Screaming Yourself Awake After an Anaconda Tries to Murder You in Your Own Home

Anxiety Activator #44: The Kind of Blog Post that Occurs when your Body is Wakefully Functioning, but your Brain? Not so Much.

Anxiety Activator #45: The My Snoring Solution Chinstrap

Anxiety Activator #46: 24 Hour Fitness’s Sadistic Insistence upon Covering their Gyms’ Walls with Reflective Surfaces

Anxiety Activator #47: Beverage Companies with Disturbing Names

Anxiety Alleviator #48: Hot Yoga

Anxiety Activator #49: Folding Origami Cranes for the Dinner Table

Anxiety Activator #50: Jackhammers

Anxiety Activator #51: The Horseshoe-Shaped Toilet Seat at the Crowne Plaza That Tried to Gouge my Eye Out

Anxiety Activator #52: Sporks

Anxiety Activator #53: The Growing Trend of Using “Shitload” as a Measurement in Regard to Foodstuffs

Anxiety Activator #54: An Update on Vanilla Ice

Anxiety Activator #55: A World Where Facebook Status Updates Honestly Report our Every Move

Anxiety Activator #56: The Apparently Decapitated Driver of the Rust-Colored Oldsmobuick who Nearly Gave me a Nervous Breakdown Today

Anxiety Activator #57: The Government’s Terrorist Watch List

Anxiety Activator #58: When the Jersey Shore Comes to Town

Anxiety Activator #59: When You’re so Exhausted you Pull on a Pair of Skinny Jeans that are so Tight you have a Clearly Delineated Camel Toe and you just Shrug at your Reflection and Decide to Leave the House Anyway

Anxiety Activator #60: Miss Cleo’s Weapon-Filled Turbanry

Anxiety Activator #61: The Ladybug that Attacked me While I was Driving Yesterday

Anxiety Activator #62: The Iselts of Langerhans