Why must they torture us? It’s just ridiculous. What kind of sadistic illustrator works for the FAA, anyway? Don’t they realize these are the kinds of images we are trying NOT to imagine upon takeoff. The horror! The sweaty palms! The inability to drown out the flight attendant’s oxygen mask instructions with my internal prayers [...]
Anxiety Activator #20: Overachievers
There’s really nothing more anxiety-inducing than hearing about all the success and fortune that comes to those who don’t appreciate the joys of spending straight fortnights sprawled across a freshly Fabreezed couch watching Walker Texas Ranger reruns. I’m aware my own appreciation for the aforementioned finer things in life is likely a side effect of my many [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #8: Onion Goggles
Cooking is dangerous business and don’t let that perky Rachael Ray fool you with her peppy abbreviations and lack of safety gear. She may call it E.V.O.O., but I can assure you that acronym is nothing more than a euphemism to cover up what extra virgin olive oil really stands for and that is Evil Villain [...]
Anxiety Activator #19: Hearing Your Neighbors Spawn
I live in the kind of vertical duplex where one would have to press her ear to the floor and not a shared wall to spy on her fellow tenant, should one be so inclined. Though last night, our duplex was more the kind of vertical duplex where one would not have to press her [...]
Anxiety Activator #17: Gary Busey
Everything about Mr. Busey is larger than life: from his John Cleese-worthy dentures to his bulging hyperthyroid-afflicted eyeballs – and don’t get me started on his prodigious use of acronyms. Those of us who tuned into watch him each week on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab not only had to contend with his snarling self-denial in regard to his [...]
Anxiety Activator #16: The Most Unfortunate Typo Ever
I was scrolling through part time jobs on craigslist today and happened to see a secret shopper reporting job that looked fun. I wrote a cover letter and changed my objective on my attached resume to read, “Seeking a secret shopping position….” A few minutes later I came across some openings for [...]
