ANXIETY HELL

Roger found Serta's pillow-top matress soothing, but not nearly as relaxing as the free side message it came with.

 Last night I completed some of the best non-Ambien-induced hibernation that I’ve experienced in fortnights; which is why I almost didn’t click on the link to the following article on MSN’s homepage today: 10 Ways to Go from Tired to Terrific – Expert strategies to regain your mojo.

Thank God I did, though. Now, when that dragging feeling kicks in and I can’t blame a fake illness like fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome, due to my being The Girl Who Cried Hypochondria, I’ll have some solutions for beating my narcolepsy/longing to fetal position myself in front of some Chuck Norris action. Or so I thought…

As I read through this article that listed breathing as a cure for tiredness, I resisted the urge to stab myself in the eye. I mean what kind of remedy is that? Getting enough sleep is listed as “necessary” for maintaining energy. Last time I checked suffocation induced far more sleep or sleep-like symptoms than breathing. Pshaa! Obviously MSN is not in the practice of hiring experts.

So here, I will tell you how to REALLY get that skip back into your step. The following is a far more helpful and, I think, far more realistic list of advice.

MY 10 Ways to go From Tired to Terrific
(Or at least from tired to tried by a jury.)

Crack
Everyone knows it’s addictive, but so is caffeine. Would you rather waste precious minutes sipping a nasty McDonald’s iced latte, or take just a few quick seconds to mainline the other white caffeine?

Wellbutrin SR
For those of you who are overly protective of your exit region and fear doing “hard” time that may or may not involve stiff consequences for dropping soap, this prescription is a LEGAL way to induce insomnia. Not only does it have a lower risk of sexual side effects, but it will help curb your nicotine addiction and lose some of the unwanted weight you gained when you opted to eat food instead of riding the white pony.

Ice Cold Showers
Nothing gets the blood moving like an artic shower, and by that I do not mean some kind of sick Eskimo sex act.

So, I realize I need to list about seven more antidotes here, but I’m, yawn, just so very sleepy. You see, I don’t follow any of my aforementioned advice and I’ve been so distracted by reading Fabio’s fan site all day that I forgot to make my chewable coffee brew. Must go suffocate…