Yesterday was one of those anomalous days wherein the elusive concept of productivity sounded like a fun way to spice up my quotidian routine. (Read: I may have accidentally ingested a tall boy of Monster, a mug of coffee, and upwards of one niblit off an Adderall pill.) My day went well enough. [...]
Anxiety Activator #43: The “Generally Mild” Side Effect of Screaming Yourself Awake After an Anaconda Tries to Murder You in Your Own Home
One of the problems with taking happy pills and sleepy pills (that’s right, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are heading up the crack team of scientists down at Eli Lily) is they tend to have unintended consequences. And contrary to the lawyers’ rapid-fire promises at the ends of the TV ads, side effects are NOT generally [...]
Anxiety Activator #42: Seahorses
Nothing creeps me out more than these tiny floating testaments to Satan’s existence. They are prehistoric, and creepy, and amputated of all their hooves. I do not approve of their little curled up stump, their little unileg, their sick miniature merman tail. It’s disgusting and begs so many disgusting questions. How do they bone? How [...]
Anxiety Activator #40: Optimism
Life cereal. Why is everything so optimistic? I’m creating a cereal called Death. The natural taste of arsenic clusters. Mikey like(d) it.
Anxiety Activator #39: The Various Ways Meth Addicts are Ruining my Life and my Ability to Enjoy my Sinus Infection
I remember back in the good old days, before the crystal meth scourge cracked out the nation, when I could look forward to a nice head cold as it meant I could get all hopped up on OTC sinus congestion meds. There was nothing better than discovering I had a cold right before finals in [...]
Anxiety Activator #38: The Dentist who Jammed a Needle in my Pie Hole Nerve and Paralyzed my Face for a Week
Yesterday at the dentist I had the pleasure of undergoing what the dental community proudly refers to as “The Bull’s Eye.” What this means is that your dental “professional” accidentally stabs you in your piehole nerve with a needle full of numbing agents. What this also means is that you can wind up wandering [...]
Anxiety Activator #37: Spurned Romantic Advances toward the Elderly
By the time most curmudgeons are eligible for their senior citizen discounts they’ve lost up to fifty percent of their taste buds. So that must be why the sexy silver-haired septuagenarian at my grandma’s nursing home didn’t appear too excited when I whispered that he could lick chocolate sauce off my naked body. Psh! And I thought it had something [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #15: Feeling Intellectually Superior to Bill Nye
According to scientists, the fastest moving muscle in the human body is the one that opens and closes the eyelid. Clearly Bill Nye has never witnessed the speed of my Go-Go Gadget arm when presented with a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Mmmm. I could SO get all I Love Lucy with that conveyor belt. Makes my Gadget claw [...]
