ANXIETY HELL

While reading the news just now, a sidebar with the following headline caught my right eyeball:

 

“Are You Snoring Yourself to Death?” it asked.

 

I immediately assumed the story’s title would have to be the best part of the article, due to the awesome rhetorical nature of such a question.

 

“Why, yes! Yes I am snoring myself to death. Normally when in a semi-conscious sleep state I have difficulty monitoring my breathing patterns as I’m ASLEEP, but now I realize I am not only snoring, but dying! Thank God I came across this article while being rushed to the hospital in the back of an ambulance.”

 

But then I noticed the accompanying photo of a man modeling the “My Snoring Solution Chinstrap,” which the author of the article touts as a life-saving step forward in the realm of sleep hygiene, and I realized that the headline was, indeed, not the best part at all.

 

Note Exhibit A where this young gentleman appears to be under the impression that wrapping a jock strap around his head is a smart way to increase respiratory functioning. Sure, it’ll stop his snoring…because it’s strangling him to death. I’d say the creator of this horrific invention had himself a good chuckle when he decided to include a money-back guarantee.

 

 

I was pondering whether or not the ear holes were really necessary (because that’s the kind of thing I like to do with my time) when it hit me that Spock must have been the only one available for the prototype fittings. Those cut-outs may be Vulcan-friendly, but they just don’t seem to sit right on the human face.

 

Really, it looks quite painful and just imagine the indents you’d be sporting on your cheeks the next day, the flesh demarcated with red lines. Your face would look like a fat lady’s ass after sitting on a woven beach chair too long. Then again, I guess that doesn’t really matter considering the whole contraption is a sick, sadistic death trap.

 

As you can see, the model is already posing in classic Law & Order corpse position. It’s like he’s just waiting for the chalk outline to be traced around his suffocated body. Don’t let his peaceful smile fool you – that’s just what $69.99 worth of recycled underoo elastic working against gravity looks like.

 

I’d like to see a full infomercial for this product. I can just imagine the model sitting up in bed, stretching his arms above his head, then slingshotting his Mexican wrestler mask across the set.

 

 

He would smile into camera three and say, “I used to snore myself to death every night, but then I discovered a solution. Ha! Why, it was so simple. All I needed was something that could form a vice grip around the circumference of my cranium and squeeze the sh*t out of it for upwards of eight hours a night. Thanks, My Snoring Solution Chinstrap!”