I cannot WAIT to sit down at the table and look my grandparents in their faces while I hold up my Tofurky in both hands like an offering. Then, when they refuse to partake, I will violently decapitate my dinner with the teeth guillotine known as my mouth. They’ll gasp, but I’ll just keep chewing [...]
Anxiety Activator #55: A World Where Facebook Status Updates Honestly Report our Every Move
This is pretty much how my wall would look if I updated my page more than once a month. Anxiety Hell: Is hiding out in the hermit lair, challenging herself to a Raisinette-eating competition. She is winning. Two hours later… Anxiety Hell: Is digging out a deep wedgie while watching a rerun [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #17: The Urban Remake of Twins in which Mr. T Bathes Gary Coleman in Baby Tub
I’d really like to watch a remake of Twins, but only if it stars Mr. T and Gary Coleman. If Coleman is too busy complaining about how his relatives won’t loan him any money in yet another CashCall commercial, I suppose I’d settle for Webster. Though I think it would only be fair, since I’m [...]
Anxiety Activator #53: The Growing Trend of Using “Shitload” as a Measurement in Regard to Foodstuffs
It’s not news to me that certain people are tactless when it comes to the overactive imaginations of those around them. For years I’ve cringed while suppressing stomach juice back down into my bulimia tunnel after hearing some idiot tell me to, “Keep an eye out” or the far more disturbing “Keep your eyes peeled.” [...]
Anxiety Activator #52: Sporks
Every time I see you, spork, all I can imagine is the day you were a spoon and had a horrific run-in with a pair of pinking shears that were like, “Get back here, spoon. I’m giving you a bris!” Then I can barely even stomach my KFC mashed potatoes. It totally doesn’t [...]
Anxiety Activator #51: The Horseshoe-Shaped Toilet Seat at the Crowne Plaza That Tried to Gouge my Eye Out
As anyone who knows me well can attest, I have no greater phobia in life than that of losing either one or two of my eyes. I spend a lot of time gasping, cringing, and breaking out in hives over imagining freak skull socket gouging accidents. Typically, my screaming internal monologue on the perils of [...]
