ANXIETY HELL

It’s not news to me that certain people are tactless when it comes to the overactive imaginations of those around them. For years I’ve cringed while suppressing stomach juice back down into my bulimia tunnel after hearing some idiot tell me to, “Keep an eye out” or the far more disturbing “Keep your eyes peeled.” I will not and just who do you think you are? You’re not the sadistic optometrist of me!

But lately, this tendency toward overusing unpalatable metaphors has reached proportions I can no longer tolerate. I’m talking about the casual use of the term “shitload” in English conversations.

Oh, you think it hasn’t pervaded our vernacular? Just begin typing a search for “shitload” and the google dropdown menu automatically supplies an extensive list of the various shitloads people are all abuzz about. This directory ranges from “shitload of homework due Monday,” to the oddly popular, “shitload of dolphins.” I don’t even know what you’re talking about because now I’m distracted by a vision of God pooping chocolate dolphins into the ocean.

Please note that some of us cannot control our involuntary brain spasms that occur when people speak. Your words are automatically turned into captions below disgusting illustrations that make up the most inappropriate children’s book ever created.

When you tell me that you’ve just eaten a shitload of deviled eggs, I immediately see a vision not of a large quantity of paprika-coated yolks, but a giant toilet overflowing onto a scale that has the phrase “SHITLOAD” where the numbers should be.

Sometimes I see a giant dump truck backing up and it gets so bad I can even hear the reverse warning beeps. The bed is tipping up, up, up, and out comes your load of shit. I’m not even going to mention what I see when you use the term “fuckload.”

If you insist on employing random, mismatched metaphors, could you at least try to come up with something a little more visually agreeable?

Why not go with the pleasing mental image of “a Costco platter’s worth” or perhaps “a frolicking puppy load,” as in, “I just macked down on a Costco platter’s worth of wings at Hooters. Damn, bro, we saw a frolicking puppy load of huge tits.”

See how much more appropriate that is?