ANXIETY HELL

Then you get to Costco and notice Danny DeVito’s twin, not his Arnold twin, but his doppelganger checking out your crotch in the frozen foods section. You stare back, too tired to do much of anything. You tell yourself you can’t really get mad; it’s at his eye level after all. Your cell phone rings. “You’re the Best Around” from The Karate Kid soundtrack blares out of your purse. You answer the phone with a weak mumble. You are still staring at Danny who is still giving you an eye Pap smear. You tell the woman with the Marge Simpson voice you would not like to attend a time share presentation in order to redeem your cash prizes and chance at winning a new Sebring convertible. You reach into the freezer case with your free arm and pull out a bag of something. You don’t know what it is because you’re distracted by the fact that To Catch a Predator is still locked in a staring contest with your chonch. You cover your frontal wedgie with a giant bag of frozen shrimp then realize this does little to avert his gaze. You decide you will no longer leave the house. You decide if you must, you will wear MC Hammer crab pants from now on. You are so exhausted. You never want to get out of bed again. But now you’re the owner of 12 pounds of seafood and you can’t stay in bed until you disappear like the shriveled skeleton in the movie 7 who represents sloth, can you? No. You can’t. Because you have a lot of cooking to do. And every time you stir the shrimp you think of DeVito and what you think he was thinking and you feel sick to your stomach.