I’m sorry, but is it just me, or does Oprah seem to be experiencing some serious eyeball leakage lately? I feel like projectile vomiting at her audience members (more than usual) when I get a gander at that eye sauce. Inbred shiatsus have less tear output, and at least they have the fur to soak it up [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #19: The Brother from Another Planet/My Movie Pick of the Week
If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time screaming yourself awake in the afternoon as day terrors involving the loss of either one or all of your eyes rock you to your very core. As you bolt upright in your work hammock, pausing only to rub your forehead after smacking it on the [...]
Anxiety Activator #51: The Horseshoe-Shaped Toilet Seat at the Crowne Plaza That Tried to Gouge my Eye Out
As anyone who knows me well can attest, I have no greater phobia in life than that of losing either one or two of my eyes. I spend a lot of time gasping, cringing, and breaking out in hives over imagining freak skull socket gouging accidents. Typically, my screaming internal monologue on the perils of [...]
Anxiety Activator #15: Innocuous Soda Pop, or Drink of Death?
It’s after one-thirty in the morning and as I was about to commence my nightly ritual of taking my Ambien and watching Raccoon Attack on NatGeo, I happened to glance down the side of the two liter jug of root beer I was swilling. There, on the faux-wooden barrel label, that ominous little exclamation mark [...]
