I’m sorry, but is it just me, or does Oprah seem to be experiencing some serious eyeball leakage lately? I feel like projectile vomiting at her audience members (more than usual) when I get a gander at that eye sauce. Inbred shiatsus have less tear output, and at least they have the fur to soak it up [...]
Anxiety Activator #69: Morning Rituals as an ADHD Sufferer
Did I brush my teeth? Damn it, I can’t remember. OK, think harder. Yes. Yes, I recall flossing, but then I also recall getting distracted by the scent of an onion patch exploding from my right armpit. I think I went to apply more Secret clinical-strength carcinogen-fresh antiperspirant. Then I may have gotten caught up in [...]
Anxiety Activator #68: Scalp Yarmulkes and my Compulsion to Doodle Jack-O-Lantern Faces on Them
The rad thing about this fugue that’s become my new life over the last four weeks is that I get to work with two of my love muffins and a boss who’s one of the smartest, funniest, weirdest people I’ve ever met. And I say that with complete and utter respect. I worship the keyboard this guy types on, [...]
Anxiety Activator #67: Grocery Store Checkout Line Guilt
While waiting in line at Ralph’s last week, something hellacious distracted me from my surreptitious attempts to read The Enquirer’s headlines about Kirsty Alley’s ass cellulite. The checker passed a palm-sized cutout of a shamrock to the philanthropist in front of me, who was now not only making my ice cream melt so she could [...]
Anxiety Activators 64, 65, and 66: The Mystery Guest Trapped in my Heater, WebMD, and Water Poisoning
I awoke this morning to the pleasant sounds of some small animal dying a claustrophobic death in our wall heater, and the uncharacteristic urge to do something healthy today. Perhaps the frantic clawing noises echoing through the hallway reminded me life is short; then again it was probably just my morbid disposition that did that. [...]
Anxiety Activator #63: The Top Search Terms Driving Traffic to my Blog
Seeing as how I’m aware that many of my interests are categorically eccentric, and that I know my writing reflects this, it shouldn’t shock me that I have some pretty idiosyncratic readers. Yet I must admit I felt a tad surprised today when I glanced at the list of search terms people are using to wind up [...]
Anxiety Activator #62: The Iselts of Langerhans
I was pretty excited about my upcoming vacation…until I learned the iselts of Langerhans are a group of cells located in the pancreas. You disgust me, Travelocity.
Anxiety Activator #61: The Ladybug that Attacked me While I was Driving Yesterday
Yesterday as I sped to meet a girlfriend for coffee, I noticed something moving near the top of my vision. At first I thought it was just a huge eye floater, which bothered me, but did not freak me out nearly as much as when it swooped down and hit me in the face. At this [...]
Anxiety Activator #60: Miss Cleo’s Weapon-Filled Turbanry
Finally my horoscope is wrong for once. I swear, it was really starting to freak me out. Though I don’t know what’s worse, when it’s so accurate every day that I swear Miss Cleo is perched in a tree outside my window with a monocular or when the only thing canceling out her prediction of [...]
Anxiety Activator #59: When You’re so Exhausted you Pull on a Pair of Skinny Jeans that are so Tight you have a Clearly Delineated Camel Toe and you just Shrug at your Reflection and Decide to Leave the House Anyway
Then you get to Costco and notice Danny DeVito’s twin, not his Arnold twin, but his doppelganger checking out your crotch in the frozen foods section. You stare back, too tired to do much of anything. You tell yourself you can’t really get mad; it’s at his eye level after all. Your cell phone rings. [...]
