Finally my horoscope is wrong for once. I swear, it was really starting to freak me out. Though I don’t know what’s worse, when it’s so accurate every day that I swear Miss Cleo is perched in a tree outside my window with a monocular or when the only thing canceling out her prediction of [...]
Anxiety Activator #59: When You’re so Exhausted you Pull on a Pair of Skinny Jeans that are so Tight you have a Clearly Delineated Camel Toe and you just Shrug at your Reflection and Decide to Leave the House Anyway
Then you get to Costco and notice Danny DeVito’s twin, not his Arnold twin, but his doppelganger checking out your crotch in the frozen foods section. You stare back, too tired to do much of anything. You tell yourself you can’t really get mad; it’s at his eye level after all. Your cell phone rings. [...]
Anxiety Activator #58: When the Jersey Shore Comes to Town
Last night my life partner, whom we’ll call Raul, and I wound up taking bit parts in an untelevised episode of Cops. I would just call my love muffins (AKA the 3.5 people who read this blog) right now to discuss the details, but instead I have decided to type it out, because I’m lazy and [...]
Anxiety Activator #57: The Government’s Terrorist Watch List
I understand not all suspects on the government’s Watch List can be upgraded to the No Fly List without cause, but if one’s name appears on the Terrorist Watch List, that should earn both the listed passenger and his underwear an automatic upgrade to the Officer Jelly Finger List. A little probing goes a long way.
Anxiety Activator #55: A World Where Facebook Status Updates Honestly Report our Every Move
This is pretty much how my wall would look if I updated my page more than once a month. Anxiety Hell: Is hiding out in the hermit lair, challenging herself to a Raisinette-eating competition. She is winning. Two hours later… Anxiety Hell: Is digging out a deep wedgie while watching a rerun [...]
Anxiety Activator #53: The Growing Trend of Using “Shitload” as a Measurement in Regard to Foodstuffs
It’s not news to me that certain people are tactless when it comes to the overactive imaginations of those around them. For years I’ve cringed while suppressing stomach juice back down into my bulimia tunnel after hearing some idiot tell me to, “Keep an eye out” or the far more disturbing “Keep your eyes peeled.” [...]
Anxiety Activator #52: Sporks
Every time I see you, spork, all I can imagine is the day you were a spoon and had a horrific run-in with a pair of pinking shears that were like, “Get back here, spoon. I’m giving you a bris!” Then I can barely even stomach my KFC mashed potatoes. It totally doesn’t [...]
Anxiety Activator #51: The Horseshoe-Shaped Toilet Seat at the Crowne Plaza That Tried to Gouge my Eye Out
As anyone who knows me well can attest, I have no greater phobia in life than that of losing either one or two of my eyes. I spend a lot of time gasping, cringing, and breaking out in hives over imagining freak skull socket gouging accidents. Typically, my screaming internal monologue on the perils of [...]
