Actual e-mail. Actual pain. From: Me Date: September 17, 2009 12:15 PM To: Satan’s Construction Management Subject: Coastal Access Impr Hi Patrick. I’m a local resident who has the incredible luck of living on Censored Street and also working from home. I understand you are just doing your job and I, too, [...]
Anxiety Activator #49: Folding Origami Cranes for the Dinner Table
Listen up, ladies. There’s nothing more important than setting the right ambiance before serving your man a fine nacho dinner. Oh yeah. Someone’s getting lucky tonight. Goddamnit, swan! Stop drooping! We’ve been OVER this! Stop wasting my time! Do you have any idea how long it takes to microwave Velveta? And pour it? In roundabout, [...]
Anxiety Activator #47: Beverage Companies with Disturbing Names
While sitting at a red light the other day, just minding my own business, working on my car karaoke and relevant choreography to go with “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads, a delivery truck skidded up next to me. Normally, I would stare straight ahead and continue serenading myself, but not this day. Something inside [...]
Anxiety Activator #46: 24 Hour Fitness’s Sadistic Insistence upon Covering their Gyms’ Walls with Reflective Surfaces
While torturing myself on the elliptical machine today, I became overwhelmed by embarrassment upon noting my sweaty face had turned the color one would expect to see on an albino who’d fallen asleep in a tanning bed for a week. I thought to myself, “Self, this is just wrong. You should go home and [...]
Anxiety Activator #43: The “Generally Mild” Side Effect of Screaming Yourself Awake After an Anaconda Tries to Murder You in Your Own Home
One of the problems with taking happy pills and sleepy pills (that’s right, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are heading up the crack team of scientists down at Eli Lily) is they tend to have unintended consequences. And contrary to the lawyers’ rapid-fire promises at the ends of the TV ads, side effects are NOT generally [...]
Anxiety Activator #42: Seahorses
Nothing creeps me out more than these tiny floating testaments to Satan’s existence. They are prehistoric, and creepy, and amputated of all their hooves. I do not approve of their little curled up stump, their little unileg, their sick miniature merman tail. It’s disgusting and begs so many disgusting questions. How do they bone? How [...]
Anxiety Activator #40: Optimism
Life cereal. Why is everything so optimistic? I’m creating a cereal called Death. The natural taste of arsenic clusters. Mikey like(d) it.
Anxiety Activator #39: The Various Ways Meth Addicts are Ruining my Life and my Ability to Enjoy my Sinus Infection
I remember back in the good old days, before the crystal meth scourge cracked out the nation, when I could look forward to a nice head cold as it meant I could get all hopped up on OTC sinus congestion meds. There was nothing better than discovering I had a cold right before finals in [...]
