If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time screaming yourself awake in the afternoon as day terrors involving the loss of either one or all of your eyes rock you to your very core. As you bolt upright in your work hammock, pausing only to rub your forehead after smacking it on the [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #27: Making a Plan for the Holidays
I cannot WAIT to sit down at the table and look my grandparents in their faces while I hold up my Tofurky in both hands like an offering. Then, when they refuse to partake, I will violently decapitate my dinner with the teeth guillotine known as my mouth. They’ll gasp, but I’ll just keep chewing [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #4: Sleeping
Last night I completed some of the best non-Ambien-induced hibernation that I’ve experienced in fortnights; which is why I almost didn’t click on the link to the following article on MSN’s homepage today: 10 Ways to Go from Tired to Terrific – Expert strategies to regain your mojo.
Thank God I did, though. Now, when that [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #3: Cloris Leachman’s Cleavage
Yep, that’s right. I said it and I’m sticking to it. Cloris Leachman’s cleavage calms me down and I’ll tell you why. It gives me hope. Sure, having hope means having hope that I’ll be able to afford plastic surgery by the time I, too, am a sassy octogenarian, and not having hope that gravity [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #2: Unicorns
Well, they are kind of soothing if you think about it.
Oh, you’re a pretty one, aren’t you? I can feel my heart rate slowing just looking at your soft coat. Why, you’re magical, unicorn. Let me mount you and let’s ride far, far away from Planet Panic Attack, unicorn. I think I love you.
Anxiety Alleviator #1: Onion Goggles
Cooking is dangerous business and don’t let that perky Rachael Ray fool you with her peppy abbreviations and lack of safety gear. She may call it E.V.O.O., but I can assure you that acronym is nothing more than a euphemism to cover up what extra virgin olive oil really stands for and that is Evil Villain [...]
