Anxiety Alleviator #43: The Brother from Another Planet

If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time screaming yourself awake in the afternoon as day terrors involving the loss of either one or all of your eyes rock you to your very core. As you bolt upright in your work hammock, pausing only to rub your forehead after smacking it on the [...]

Anxiety Alleviator #27: Making a Plan for the Holidays

I cannot WAIT to sit down at the table and look my grandparents in their faces while I hold up my Tofurky in both hands like an offering. Then, when they refuse to partake, I will violently decapitate my dinner with the teeth guillotine known as my mouth. They’ll gasp, but I’ll just keep chewing [...]

Anxiety Alleviator #Three and Three Quarter Stars: Hot Yoga

Some time late last year, I found myself chugging upwards of half a gallon of eggnog per night, as I found it a pleasant palette cleanser between boxes of See’s chocolates. Worries of salmonella and starring in a televised addiction intervention could not dissuade me from pouring the thick god nectar down my pie hole [...]

Anxiety Alleviator #Can’t Remember: Alpacas

Fucking alpacas, man. What could be cuter? That was rhetorical, but now I find myself answering the question. Inner monologue: I know what could be cuter than alpacas, little alpaca fetuses in the womb like that NatGeo special Oprah is always promoting, even though they just have lame ass elephants swaddled in placenta juice and [...]

Anxiety Alleviator # 5: Imagining How the Debut Season of America’s Next Top Hand Model Would Play Out

Anxiety Alleviator #4: Sleeping

 Last night I completed some of the best non-Ambien-induced hibernation that I’ve experienced in fortnights; which is why I almost didn’t click on the link to the following article on MSN’s homepage today: 10 Ways to Go from Tired to Terrific – Expert strategies to regain your mojo.
Thank God I did, though. Now, when that [...]

Anxiety Alleviator #3: Cloris Leachman’s Cleavage

Yep, that’s right. I said it and I’m sticking to it. Cloris Leachman’s cleavage calms me down and I’ll tell you why. It gives me hope. Sure, having hope means having hope that I’ll be able to afford plastic surgery by the time I, too, am a sassy octogenarian, and not having hope that gravity [...]

Anxiety Alleviator #2: Unicorns

Well, they are kind of soothing if you think about it.

Oh, you’re a pretty one, aren’t you? I can feel my heart rate slowing just looking at your soft coat. Why, you’re magical, unicorn. Let me mount you and let’s ride far, far away from Planet Panic Attack, unicorn. I think I love you.

Anxiety Alleviator #1: Onion Goggles

Cooking is dangerous business and don’t let that perky Rachael Ray fool you with her peppy abbreviations and lack of safety gear. She  may call it E.V.O.O., but I can assure you that acronym is nothing more than a euphemism to cover up what extra virgin olive oil really stands for and that is Evil Villain [...]