Once in a lifetime, a movie comes along that changes the way we look at taxidermied deer, gonads, and moon fetuses; “Gentlemen Broncos” is that movie. While I cannot honestly say it is the best film I’ve ever watched, I can honestly say it is the best worst film I’ve ever watched, and that is [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #20: Craigslist’s Rants and Raves
As I was typing in my ad for my missed connection with an alpaca just now, I noticed the Rants and Raves section on Craigslist. It’s been a while since I’ve checked out the sweet lunacy that is so many peoples’ disproportionate amounts of rage directed at inanimate objects, institutions, and people who will never [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #19: The Brother from Another Planet/My Movie Pick of the Week
If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time screaming yourself awake in the afternoon as day terrors involving the loss of either one or all of your eyes rock you to your very core. As you bolt upright in your work hammock, pausing only to rub your forehead after smacking it on the [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #18: Making a Plan for the Holidays
I cannot WAIT to sit down at the table and look my grandparents in their faces while I hold up my Tofurky in both hands like an offering. Then, when they refuse to partake, I will violently decapitate my dinner with the teeth guillotine known as my mouth. They’ll gasp, but I’ll just keep chewing [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #17: The Urban Remake of Twins in which Mr. T Bathes Gary Coleman in Baby Tub
I’d really like to watch a remake of Twins, but only if it stars Mr. T and Gary Coleman. If Coleman is too busy complaining about how his relatives won’t loan him any money in yet another CashCall commercial, I suppose I’d settle for Webster. Though I think it would only be fair, since I’m [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #15: Feeling Intellectually Superior to Bill Nye
According to scientists, the fastest moving muscle in the human body is the one that opens and closes the eyelid. Clearly Bill Nye has never witnessed the speed of my Go-Go Gadget arm when presented with a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Mmmm. I could SO get all I Love Lucy with that conveyor belt. Makes my Gadget claw [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #13: The Best Non-Ambien-Induced Hibernation that I’ve Experienced in Fortnights
Last night I completed some of the best non-Ambien-induced hibernation that I’ve experienced in fortnights; which is why I almost didn’t click on the link to the following article on MSN’s homepage today: 10 Ways to Go from Tired to Terrific – Expert strategies to regain your mojo. Thank God I did, though. Now, when [...]
