A sloth can move twice as fast in water as it can on land. Perhaps I should start writing while half-submerged in my bathtub. I just read that Beethoven poured ice water on his head every time he sat down to write music. If I happen to turn up dead, the coroner’s report mentioning electrocution by [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #11: Cloris Leachman’s Cleavage
Yep, that’s right. I said it and I’m sticking to it. Cloris Leachman’s cleavage calms me down and I’ll tell you why. It gives me hope. Sure, having hope means having hope that I’ll be able to afford plastic surgery by the time I, too, am a sassy octogenarian, and not having hope that gravity [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #10: Sheriff John Burnell’s Disproportionate Amounts of Rage
As you know, I recently went through a period of abstaining from my habitual consumption of hours upon hours of fine TV viewing per night. It was a difficult adjustment that involved a lot of reading of books, gnashing of teeth, and contemplation of jumping out windows. But then I realized we only live on [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #9: Unicorns
Well, they are kind of soothing if you think about it. Oh, you’re a pretty one, aren’t you? I can feel my heart rate slowing just looking at your soft coat. Why, you’re magical, unicorn. Let me mount you and let’s ride far, far away from Planet Panic Attack, unicorn. I think I love you.
Anxiety Alleviator #8: Onion Goggles
Cooking is dangerous business and don’t let that perky Rachael Ray fool you with her peppy abbreviations and lack of safety gear. She may call it E.V.O.O., but I can assure you that acronym is nothing more than a euphemism to cover up what extra virgin olive oil really stands for and that is Evil Villain [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #7: Buying Inappropriate Holiday Gifts for my Family
Well, I guess it’s good I didn’t make any full commitments to the church of Jehovah’s Witnessery, no offense Witnesses, but Christmas shopping really wasn’t that bad this year. In fact, I really found myself getting into the giving spirit last night. For my three little nephews in Colorado, I discovered the best figurines I’ve ever [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #4: This Week’s Reading Rainbow Selection about a Crazed Taxidermist
Like a cannibal with a penchant for whittling his food, I have a bone to pick. This marrow of misery, this cartilage of contention, is in regards to the fact that only thirty-thousand people have purchased a book that deserves to be read by millions, not thirty-thousand-ands. This book is the finest literary achievement ever to [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #3: Playing the Cowbell
This was me recently after crashing a party and hopping on stage with the band. I don’t know how I ended up with a drumstick in my right hand and a fifth plastic cup of red wine in my left, but I do know that I rocked that cowbell like I rocked that party. After [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #2: Discovering the Chuck Norris of the Iguana World
Scientists have found that iguanas are capable of committing suicide. I’m pretty sure they aren’t capable of being resuscitated - I don’t know anyone who’s going to go mouth to mouth with a death-rattling lab lizard, even Bill Nye - so the evidence seems definitive. But I don’t really care about any of that. Why they haven’t investigated [...]
