I paused, mid-swallow, and thought to myself, “No, surely root beer cannot attack as well. Was shattering my illusions that I might safely one day snuggle with the cutest Zoro-masked furballs in the rodent kingdom not enough for you, God?! Must you now taint my favorite non-Mr. Pibb soft drink with images of death, too?”

I considered the caps lock warning, hoping the only reason my root beer bore a disclaimer was because some overzealous fetus-loving organization had won a lawsuit against pregnant caffeine addicts, but then I remembered…A&W isn’t caffeinated. 

At this point I decided I might as well see what new phobia I could add to my list of Things That Make Me a Pussy and was confronted with the single most horrifying tidbit of information I could have read: 

CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR SERIOUS OTHER INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM FACE AND PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING.

Fine, I thought, I’ll point it away from my face while opening next time, unless I’m wearing my onion goggles, but how in the hell am I supposed to point it away from my face while I’m chugging out of it?

This was only the first of many disheartening contemplations the admonition evoked. Not only was I disturbed that even root beer could force me to relive my formative days as the only girl on my preschool campus sporting an eye patch, but I was troubled by the fact that, apparently, my mother has a secret second job in copywriting for A&W.

Now every time I see someone selecting a soda in a vending machine, I’m going to feel the need to scream, “Stop! You could put my eye out with that thing.” And I was just celebrating the fact that no one had hit me in the eye with a champagne cork over the holidays. I’m so glad my embarrassing urge to duck and cover my face every time someone mentions they’re thirsty is going to last year-round.

Thanks a lot, Authority of Dr Pepper/Seven Up, Inc. Don’t be surprised if you get an irate call on your 866 number when my Damnbien kicks in in another six to nine minutes. We’ll see who needs a warning then. Oh, we’ll see indeed.

to sign two thumbs down while sticking out my tongue. I find this is not only the most mature way to voice one’s opinion, but also the most attractive. When my brazen show of political savvy failed to shame the mob for publicly displaying their hateful bigotry, I opted to teach them poise and grace by flipping them off. It was at this exact moment that I glanced up to see the light had turned red and I slammed on my brakes, propelling myself forward and then back, as I sat through the most uncomfortable thirty seconds of my life. At first, I thought I’d just discovered yet another way to embarrass myself, but, of course, the truly embarrassing thing was the protest taking place outside my passenger window.

Had I known this ludicrous proposition would come anywhere near being passed, I would have rolled down my window and asked these people how it was exactly that they were not ashamed of themselves. It is bad enough that they have sought and likely won the ability to take away the rights of certain of our fellow Americans, but to have twisted this proposition into anything allegedly related to children is what really sickens me.

That never was what this proposition was about, but even if it had been, this idea that homosexuality is so wrong that children must never learn it exists genuinely disturbs me for the innate discrimination this ideology extols. The ostracism and marginalization too many young people feel in regard to their sexuality leads many to depression, thoughts of suicide or fleeing to join the IceCapades.

To protect our children, they must know that we will love and honor them, as will love and honor all citizens regardless of their sexual orientation. If these religious fundamentalists feel that children are capable of grasping the concept that one consenting adult female and one consenting adult male are allowed to be joined in a union under the law that guarantees them certain protections, then there is no reason why they should not know the same is (or was) true for loving adult couples of all backgrounds.

For anyone to find a partner in this life is a thing of joy and beauty, but to dampen their happiness by saying it is not an equal love, nor is it worthy of protecting, is ugly and wrong. I know one day everyone will look back on this and recognize just how ridiculous it is to discriminate against gays and lesbians, just as we can now look back and see how wrong discrimination based on skin color is as well.

I am overjoyed by the win of our new president elect. I couldn’t be happier and could only feel prouder to be an American at this pivotal moment in our history, if I knew these hateful propositions that limit the rights of innocent citizens would cease to pass in our country’s elections.

But for those of you who, like the driver of a giant, gas-guzzling yellow Hummer with the huge banner saying Yes on 8 that I was stuck behind last night, feel compelled to continue to spout off your hateful ideology, I say I’m glad we all have a voice under the first amendment, but yours, my friends, are nothing more than a great way for you to embarrass yourselves. I can only hold my head high, tongue sticking out, as I give two thumbs down to this travesty. I pray that when all the votes are tallied, it won’t have passed.

As a hetero, married Christian woman, I am absolutely baffled by how this message of hate has become touted as ordained by God. The God I know does not celebrate the discrimination of human beings. He does not cheer and rejoice at the pain and suffering of others. He does not seek to take love and compassion out of this world, as these so-called Christians have. I will never understand how people can feel compelled to support laws that have no bearing on their own lives, but only destroy the autonomy of others’.