I cannot WAIT to sit down at the table and look my grandparents in their faces while I hold up my Tofurky in both hands like an offering. Then, when they refuse to partake, I will violently decapitate my dinner with the teeth guillotine known as my mouth. They’ll gasp, but I’ll just keep chewing [...]
The Most Unfortunate Typo Ever
I was scrolling through part time jobs on craigslist today and happened to see a secret shopper reporting job that looked fun. I wrote a cover letter and changed my objective on my attached resume to read, “Seeking a secret shopping position….”
A few minutes later I came across some openings for English tutors. Thinking that [...]
The Hungry Hypochondriac
While I’m not nearly as batshit crazy of a hypochondriac as I used to be, I am concerned that my strict diet of Lucky Charms, Parmesan Goldfish, and whipped dessert topping may have something to do with the fact that I haven’t had a bowel movement since the last time I mistakenly ingested an entire [...]
The 10 Day Master Cleanse Lemonade Fast
The Delicious Recipe:
Freshly squeezed lemons or limes
Grade B Organic Maple Syrup
Cayenne Pepper
Purified Water
Master Cleanse Eve, 1:37 a.m.
As I was indulging my adrenal gland in yet another exciting episode of the Discovery channel’s ingenious survival show, Man vs. Wild, I glanced towards the kitchen and caught sight of all the delicious treats on the microwave cart [...]
