I cannot WAIT to sit down at the table and look my grandparents in their faces while I hold up my Tofurky in both hands like an offering. Then, when they refuse to partake, I will violently decapitate my dinner with the teeth guillotine known as my mouth. They’ll gasp, but I’ll just keep chewing [...]
Anxiety Activator #16: The Most Unfortunate Typo Ever
I was scrolling through part time jobs on craigslist today and happened to see a secret shopper reporting job that looked fun. I wrote a cover letter and changed my objective on my attached resume to read, “Seeking a secret shopping position….” A few minutes later I came across some openings for [...]
Anxiety Activator #13: Life as the Hungry Hypochondriac
While I’m not nearly as batshit crazy of a hypochondriac as I used to be, I am concerned that my strict diet of Lucky Charms, Parmesan Goldfish, and whipped dessert topping may have something to do with the fact that I haven’t had a bowel movement since the last time I mistakenly ingested an entire [...]
Anxiety Activator #2: My Failure to Look Like Lara Flynn Boyle after Six Straight Hours on the Master Cleanse Lemonade Fast
The Delicious Recipe: Freshly squeezed lemons or limes Grade B Organic Maple Syrup Cayenne Pepper Purified Water Master Cleanse Eve, 1:37 a.m. As I was indulging my adrenal gland in yet another exciting episode of the Discovery channel’s ingenious survival show, Man vs. Wild, I glanced towards the kitchen and caught sight of all the [...]
