Ahhh, I can't make up my mind! My brain hurts. Someone help!

Let’s begin with a question that has been plaguing me all night and into this morning: When did The Bachelor turn into Springer?

And if you’re going to make a major change like that, ABC, at least give your loyal viewers, who wasted countless hours of their lives on yet another anticlimactic season, the satisfaction of taking it all the way. Please do go forth and turn the “After the Final Rose” episode into a bush league rip off of a daytime TV talk show, but at least have the decency to swap out that vacant Himbot Chris Harrison for the real Jerry Springer and allow Melissa to slam a vase of roses over Jason’s oddly-shaped skull as you know we all wanted her to do.

I approve of how you got off on the right foot, creators of The Bastard, sending the soon-to-be scorned lover on stage in a too-small tube dress. Classy touch there. You get kudos on the extreme close-ups, zooming in with startling invasiveness after every verbal punch to the gut. But where were the crazed audience members emitting a collective gasp of disbelief and then the encouraging boos that might have propelled Melissa to throw a leather bound chair across the stage?

I do approve of how you followed her down the hallway instead of giving her “the intimacy” you swore this shocking conclusion called for. It was fun to imagine the cameraman trembling in fear as she stormed off the set giving the crew a death glare that suggested a momentary explosion into full-on Sean Penn, When Actors Attack mode. But good God, why didn’t you allow her, nay, encourage her, to run back out onto the stage as soon as Molly took her seat, and let them fight to the death? Molly’s teased hair was just begging to be ripped out. I mean it was the first time all season that it wasn’t tied back into the safety of a ponytail. This particular squandered opportunity is what really breaks my heart. You came so close, ABC, but in keeping with Bachelor tradition, you just gave us a lame and unsatisfying ending.

And now for you, Jason Mesnick, Douch of the Day, listen up: It is over between us. I’m in love with someone else and his name is Chuck Norris. My former lover knows how to make a decision and stick with it. When he sets out on a bearded conquest to femur kick a man to death, he commits to it. End of story. And you know what else, Jason Mesnick? Chuck Norris knows how to give the ladies a satisfying ending. I love him, and I can’t change my feelings. I wish I could, but I can’t. I should’ve stuck with him from the beginning. It’s my fault I wasted too many weeks trying to make it work with you when there was someone else I couldn’t stop thinking about. Here, allow me to walk you out. And you may want to duck when I hurtle a flaming candelabra at your cranium region.