By the time most curmudgeons are eligible for their senior citizen discounts they’ve lost up to fifty percent of their taste buds. So that must be why the sexy silver-haired septuagenarian at my grandma’s nursing home didn’t appear too excited when I whispered that he could lick chocolate sauce off my naked body. Psh! And I thought it had something [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #15: Feeling Intellectually Superior to Bill Nye
According to scientists, the fastest moving muscle in the human body is the one that opens and closes the eyelid. Clearly Bill Nye has never witnessed the speed of my Go-Go Gadget arm when presented with a Krispy Kreme doughnut. Mmmm. I could SO get all I Love Lucy with that conveyor belt. Makes my Gadget claw [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #12: This Photo of a Sloth in a Box
A sloth can move twice as fast in water as it can on land. Perhaps I should start writing while half-submerged in my bathtub. I just read that Beethoven poured ice water on his head every time he sat down to write music. If I happen to turn up dead, the coroner’s report mentioning electrocution by [...]
Anxiety Activator #16: The Most Unfortunate Typo Ever
I was scrolling through part time jobs on craigslist today and happened to see a secret shopper reporting job that looked fun. I wrote a cover letter and changed my objective on my attached resume to read, “Seeking a secret shopping position….” A few minutes later I came across some openings for [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #2: Discovering the Chuck Norris of the Iguana World
Scientists have found that iguanas are capable of committing suicide. I’m pretty sure they aren’t capable of being resuscitated - I don’t know anyone who’s going to go mouth to mouth with a death-rattling lab lizard, even Bill Nye - so the evidence seems definitive. But I don’t really care about any of that. Why they haven’t investigated [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #1: Horned Toads that Squirt Blood from their Eyeballs When Angered
When angered, horned toads shoot blood out of their eyeballs. Obviously, this recently uncovered information means one thing and one thing only: I am getting a new pet. (Who’s cool now, Paris Hilton? I bet your Parkinson’s afflicted Chihuahua seems pretty useless all of a sudden. I think we both know whose pet would when [...]
