First, you gave me Broken Bells. Then Fanfarlo and next Tokyo Police Club. And now? We Were Promised Jetpacks?! You complete me and sh*t, Pandora. Unlike Netflix with its smug conviction that I’ll just looove “Kung Fu: Enter the Fist” (disgusting — I don’t even want to know) and the full season of “Canterbury’s Law” [...]
Anxiety Activator #63: The Top Search Terms Driving Traffic to my Blog
Seeing as how I’m aware that many of my interests are categorically eccentric, and that I know my writing reflects this, it shouldn’t shock me that I have some pretty idiosyncratic readers. Yet I must admit I felt a tad surprised today when I glanced at the list of search terms people are using to wind up [...]
Anxiety Alleviator #19: The Brother from Another Planet/My Movie Pick of the Week
If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time screaming yourself awake in the afternoon as day terrors involving the loss of either one or all of your eyes rock you to your very core. As you bolt upright in your work hammock, pausing only to rub your forehead after smacking it on the [...]
Anxiety Activator #49: Folding Origami Cranes for the Dinner Table
Listen up, ladies. There’s nothing more important than setting the right ambiance before serving your man a fine nacho dinner. Oh yeah. Someone’s getting lucky tonight. Goddamnit, swan! Stop drooping! We’ve been OVER this! Stop wasting my time! Do you have any idea how long it takes to microwave Velveta? And pour it? In roundabout, [...]
Anxiety Activator #43: The “Generally Mild” Side Effect of Screaming Yourself Awake After an Anaconda Tries to Murder You in Your Own Home
One of the problems with taking happy pills and sleepy pills (that’s right, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are heading up the crack team of scientists down at Eli Lily) is they tend to have unintended consequences. And contrary to the lawyers’ rapid-fire promises at the ends of the TV ads, side effects are NOT generally [...]
Anxiety Activator #33: That No One Else Seems to Care about How Mr. Butterworth Feels
I’m eating pancakes and feeling guilty after peeling Mrs. Butterworth’s label off. I wonder if Mr. Butterworth knows his wife doesn’t wear panties, the dirty whore. I’ll bet Aunt Jemima’s doesn’t go around town without underwear on. Then again, I’d bet money that Uncle Jemima likes it kinky. Uncles.
Anxiety Activator #30: Fabio’s Official Online Fan Club, that is Now Promoting Cannibalism because Apparently Having an Online Fan Club for Fabio Wasn’t Creepy Enough on its Own
Earlier today, while I was checking out Fabio’s official online fan club (yes, that IS what I like to do in my spare time) I came across some very disturbing images wherein Fabio appeared to be promoting cannibalism. At the top of the Web page was a header splashed with close up shots of [...]
Anxiety Activator #16: The Most Unfortunate Typo Ever
I was scrolling through part time jobs on craigslist today and happened to see a secret shopper reporting job that looked fun. I wrote a cover letter and changed my objective on my attached resume to read, “Seeking a secret shopping position….” A few minutes later I came across some openings for [...]
Anxiety Activator #15: Innocuous Soda Pop, or Drink of Death?
It’s after one-thirty in the morning and as I was about to commence my nightly ritual of taking my Ambien and watching Raccoon Attack on NatGeo, I happened to glance down the side of the two liter jug of root beer I was swilling. There, on the faux-wooden barrel label, that ominous little exclamation mark [...]
