I must take some responsibility for deciding not to get all Tokyo Drift on your ass and instead opting to slow down and maneuver in behind you. Really, it’s my fault I spent the next five minutes of my life lurking in your exhaust fumes as I waited with growing rage for you to move [...]
Anxiety Activator #54: An Update on Vanilla Ice
In 2005, Robert Matthew Van Winkle, AKA Vanilla Ice, set out to make a comeback with his long-anticipated Kwanzaa album. After angry protests turned into violent riots that raged from Harlem to Watts, his label, Albinism Records, decided to pull Vanilla’s release before it began distribution. Albinism has since spent millions of dollars keeping [...]
November 4, 2009
Categories: Anxiety Activators, God has a sense of humor...right?, Most Popular, Random Shiznit . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 4 Comments
Anxiety Alleviator #48: Hot Yoga
Some time late last year, I found myself chugging upwards of half a gallon of eggnog per night, as I found it a pleasant palette cleanser between boxes of See’s chocolates. Worries of salmonella and starring in a televised addiction intervention could not dissuade me from pouring the thick god nectar down my pie hole [...]
August 23, 2009
Categories: Anxiety Alleviators, Diet, Health and Fitness, I’m not Lazy - Just Storing Potential Energy, Most Popular . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 2 Comments
Anxiety Activator #45: The My Snoring Solution Chinstrap
While reading the news just now, a sidebar with the following headline caught my right eyeball: “Are You Snoring Yourself to Death?” it asked. I immediately assumed the story’s title would have to be the best part of the article, due to the awesome rhetorical nature of such a question. “Why, yes! [...]
June 25, 2009
Categories: Anxiety Activators, Most Popular . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 5 Comments
Anxiety Activator #44: The Kind of Blog Post that Occurs when your Body is Wakefully Functioning, but your Brain? Not so Much.
Yesterday was one of those anomalous days wherein the elusive concept of productivity sounded like a fun way to spice up my quotidian routine. (Read: I may have accidentally ingested a tall boy of Monster, a mug of coffee, and upwards of one niblit off an Adderall pill.) My day went well enough. [...]
April 30, 2009
Categories: Anxiety Activators, Health and Fitness, Most Popular, Uncategorized . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 2 Comments
Anxiety Alleviator #Can’t Remember: Alpacas
Fucking alpacas, man. What could be cuter? That was rhetorical, but now I find myself answering the question. Inner monologue: I know what could be cuter than alpacas, little alpaca fetuses in the womb like that NatGeo special Oprah is always promoting, even though they just have lame ass elephants swaddled in placenta juice and [...]
April 14, 2009
Categories: Anxiety Alleviators, Freakish Animals, Most Popular . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 5 Comments
Anxiety Activator #18: Raccoon Attacks and Warning Labels
It’s after one-thirty in the morning and as I was about to commence my nightly ritual of taking my Ambien and watching Raccoon Attack on NatGeo, I happened to glance down the side of the two liter jug of root beer I was swilling. There, on the faux-wooden barrel label, that ominous little exclamation [...]
January 19, 2009
Categories: Anxiety Activators, Freakish Animals, Most Popular . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 1 Comment
Anxiety Alleviator # 6: Enforcing Proper Laundromat Etiquette
As someone who is both hungry and a hypochondriac, I cannot move forward with my diet plan until I consult my doctor and polish off this fine jar of pimento Cheez Whiz. (I love that Cheez Whiz is not only economical for buying groceries, but also vowels.) It’s healthy if you dip wheat crackers in. Scissor-finger digging [...]
December 9, 2008
Categories: Frequently Answered Questions, Hobbies & Special Interests, Infrequently Answered Question, Laundromat Etiquette, Most Popular . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: Leave a Comment
Anxiety Alleviator # 5: Going Amish as I Say Goodbye to my Beloved TiVo
It’s Day 3 without TV and I have to admit that it just may be the best thing that’s happened to me since surviving the nudity orgy at the Korean Day Spa a couple of weeks ago. (I know what you’re thinking, “Aren’t most orgies nude?” Well, I don’t know, you sick perverts, I’ve never [...]
September 22, 2008
Categories: Anxiety Alleviators, Most Popular, TV . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 1 Comment
Anxiety Activator #8: The Behavior of my Fellow Gym Patrons During the Olympics
(This is how the pool at my gym has looked since the Olympics started airing.) Normally, after three to four seconds on the elliptical machine, I am gasping for breath like a freshly caught trout with a Marlboro red addiction as the Whitney Huston-style sweat tsunami pouring down my flushed Irish face gives off the [...]
August 18, 2008
Categories: Anxiety Activators, Most Popular, Why I Hate the Gym . . Author: anxietyhell . Comments: 1 Comment
