Yesterday as I sped to meet a girlfriend for coffee, I noticed something moving near the top of my vision. At first I thought it was just a huge eye floater, which bothered me, but did not freak me out nearly as much as when it swooped down and hit me in the face. At this [...]
Anxiety Activator #59: When You’re so Exhausted you Pull on a Pair of Skinny Jeans that are so Tight you have a Clearly Delineated Camel Toe and you just Shrug at your Reflection and Decide to Leave the House Anyway
Then you get to Costco and notice Danny DeVito’s twin, not his Arnold twin, but his doppelganger checking out your crotch in the frozen foods section. You stare back, too tired to do much of anything. You tell yourself you can’t really get mad; it’s at his eye level after all. Your cell phone rings. [...]
Anxiety Activator #53: The Growing Trend of Using “Shitload” as a Measurement in Regard to Foodstuffs
It’s not news to me that certain people are tactless when it comes to the overactive imaginations of those around them. For years I’ve cringed while suppressing stomach juice back down into my bulimia tunnel after hearing some idiot tell me to, “Keep an eye out” or the far more disturbing “Keep your eyes peeled.” [...]
Anxiety Activator #49: Folding Origami Cranes for the Dinner Table
Listen up, ladies. There’s nothing more important than setting the right ambiance before serving your man a fine nacho dinner. Oh yeah. Someone’s getting lucky tonight. Goddamnit, swan! Stop drooping! We’ve been OVER this! Stop wasting my time! Do you have any idea how long it takes to microwave Velveta? And pour it? In roundabout, [...]
Anxiety Activator #15: Innocuous Soda Pop, or Drink of Death?
It’s after one-thirty in the morning and as I was about to commence my nightly ritual of taking my Ambien and watching Raccoon Attack on NatGeo, I happened to glance down the side of the two liter jug of root beer I was swilling. There, on the faux-wooden barrel label, that ominous little exclamation mark [...]
Anxiety Activator #14: Anger Sharks and Religious Persecution
Brian has refused to accept that I’ve become Jehovah’s Witness this Christmas and is rather infuriated that I have yet to purchase a single present for anyone in our painfully large families. Apparently I am being commanded to shop tonight – very much against my will. I am pretty sure this violates my first amendment [...]
Anxiety Activator #10: The Deliverance Soundtrack Blaring from my Neighbor’s Window
Oh, sweet Jesus, please help me. Someone has been blasting country music all morning. I am just minding my own business, trying to memorize the symptoms of adult ADD for an upcoming doctor’s appointment, and I can’t focus! I am experiencing an extreme lack of concentration and an inability to finish tasks! I would [...]
