I’d really like to watch a remake of Twins, but only if it stars Mr. T and Gary Coleman. If Coleman is too busy complaining about how his relatives won’t loan him any money in yet another CashCall commercial, I suppose I’d settle for Webster. Though I think it would only be fair, since I’m [...]
Anxiety Activator #46: 24 Hour Fitness’s Sadistic Insistence upon Covering their Gyms’ Walls with Reflective Surfaces
While torturing myself on the elliptical machine today, I became overwhelmed by embarrassment upon noting my sweaty face had turned the color one would expect to see on an albino who’d fallen asleep in a tanning bed for a week. I thought to myself, “Self, this is just wrong. You should go home and [...]
Anxiety Activator #40: Optimism
Life cereal. Why is everything so optimistic? I’m creating a cereal called Death. The natural taste of arsenic clusters. Mikey like(d) it.
Anxiety Activator #36: Holiday Food Coloring’s Effect on Sewage
Wondering if workers at water treatment facilities notice an increase in green sewage the day after St. Patty’s. The compulsion to call and ask is killing me.
Anxiety Activator #7: Camouflage
For as terrified as I am of contracting flesh-eating viruses and other communicable diseases, I think it’s weird that I don’t have much in the way of O.C.D. Sure, I have my little quirks, like if I see someone wearing camouflage who is in no way in the correct environment to render said camouflage useful, [...]
