ANXIETY HELL » Thought of the Day

Anxiety Alleviator #17: The Urban Remake of Twins in which Mr. T Bathes Gary Coleman in Baby Tub

anxietyhell — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:34:44 +0000

I’d really like to watch a remake of Twins, but only if it stars Mr. T and Gary Coleman. If Coleman is too busy complaining about how his relatives won’t loan him any money in yet another CashCall commercial, I suppose I’d settle for Webster. Though I think it would only be fair, since I’m settling, that at least one scene involves Mr. T giving Webster a sponge bath in one of those cute little baby seats you set in the sink. That’s a very soothing image.

Posted in Anxiety Alleviators, Thought of the Day

Anxiety Activator #46: 24 Hour Fitness’s Sadistic Insistence upon Covering their Gyms’ Walls with Reflective Surfaces

anxietyhell — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:47:11 +0000

While torturing myself on the elliptical machine today, I became overwhelmed by embarrassment upon noting my sweaty face had turned the color one would expect to see on an albino who’d fallen asleep in a tanning bed for a week.

I thought to myself, “Self, this is just wrong. You should go home and put some ice on that shiznit, maybe a bag of frozen peas, anything to cool your face down so it stops scaring the elderly and small children.”

But then it hit me like Ike Turner after one too many brewskies. My bright red face could be incredibly convenient next time I get invited to an Angels game. If I just workout first, I’ll only have to paint my belly red. I am going to save so much money on face paint!

Thanks, Power of Positive Thinking!

Couldn’t find a tanning albino photo. Shocking, I know. So I went with the dude sporting a pornstache who thinks it’s a brilliant idea to convert a tanning bed into a couch.

“Seemed like a good idea till my ass turned crispier than a rodent on a spit. Heh-yuh! Honey, git out the couch and fetch me ’nother Pabst.”

Posted in Anxiety Activators, Thought of the Day, Why I Hate the Gym

Anxiety Activator #40: Optimism

anxietyhell — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:06:49 +0000

Life cereal. Why is everything so optimistic? I’m creating a cereal called Death. The natural taste of arsenic clusters. Mikey like(d) it.

Posted in Anxiety Activators, Thought of the Day

Anxiety Activator #36: Holiday Food Coloring’s Effect on Sewage

anxietyhell — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 18:04:03 +0000

Wondering if workers at water treatment facilities notice an increase in green sewage the day after St. Patty’s. The compulsion to call and ask is killing me.

Posted in Anxiety Activators, Thought of the Day

Anxiety Activator #7: Camouflage

anxietyhell — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:07:55 +0000

For as terrified as I am of contracting flesh-eating viruses and other communicable diseases, I think it’s weird that I don’t have much in the way of O.C.D. Sure, I have my little quirks, like if I see someone wearing camouflage who is in no way in the correct environment to render said camouflage useful, well then I have to say, “Woah, I almost didn’t see you there,” but it’s not like I fear that if I don’t say it a catastrophic string of events will unfold. Perhaps the man in the blue camo cargo pants waiting in front of me at Borders will get attacked by the very pod of dolphins he was seeking to avoid, but that will in no way be the result of my not having said what I wanted to say to him. That doesn’t really count as O.C.D. and anyway it’s not the good kind – the kind that gets shit clean.

Not so stealth when you’re inland. You weren’t even browsing the oceanography section. What are you doing? It makes no sense! Even the Land Shark can see you. Plus, those don’t appear to be waterproof. Why would anyone want to blend into the sea while on land? Though you do have nice Ryan Seabreast man-whore highlights. I see a ShamWow! infomercial in your future. Perhaps you should talk to your agent. Or at least your stylist.