Frequently Answered Question #1: Did You Even Step Outside the Hermit Lair to get the Mail Yet Today?
No. Getting the mail is for pussies. You haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the thrill of getting chased down by bill collectors. You haven’t experienced life until Dog the Bounty Hunter is hot on your trail and leaving disturbing messages on your cell phone that you can sell to Fox “News.” Think about it. What’s more fun: putting on clothes then trudging outside to scoop up your mail everyday, or walking past a bulging mailbox every now and then – at your convenience, perhaps on your way to the Del Taco drive through – with the smug satisfaction that comes from sticking it to the man, the mailman. I like to see my bills and junk mail stuffed and overflowing in that garbage can on a stick they call a mailbox. I like how the debris flutters down and litters the environment with ads for erectile enhancement cures and discount teeth whitening treatments. What do these marketing people think, that I’m going to rush outside and say, “Hey, friend at Closet World, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit about sock organization. Here, let me throw this paper away for you!” I don’t think so. What’s that? Del Taco attaches coupons to their ads? Damn it! Where are my pants?
Frequently Answered Question #2: Why Does it Burn When I Urinate?
Probably because you’re a whore.
Troubleshooting:
If you’ve checked your purse to find a bible, library card, and rape whistle, apologies; you are not a whore. Consult WebMD for more information on the Candiru fish. Most likely you endured a fugue during which time you traveled to the Amazon where you made the mistake of denuding upon the shore and venturing into the river where your exposed chonch drew the interest of nature’s most evil urethra dwelling paraite. You should probably get that thing looked at.
Frequently Answered Question #3: I’m getting ready for my yearly Pap smear, and I’m not sure how to style my pubes. Do you have any suggestions?
Waiting to get your poon probed by a stranger can feel like a daunting way to spend the afternoon, but it doesn’t have to be that way. With a fun and creative pubic hair style, you can have confidence AND a great ice breaker! So get out your pinking shears and prepare for the best Pap smear of your life.
Style Suggestion Number One: Vejazzling
Everybody loves a creepy combination. How else to explain the popularity of Donny and Marie, Jessica and Joe Simpson, Simon Cowell’s left and right man teets? And you know who loves a creepy combination the most? The woman crouched under your business holding a speculum who thought it’d be a great idea to combine vaginas with a career. So you can bet your dirty glue gun that she’s going to love the new trend you’re sporting on your crotch, you Vajazzler, you! That’s right. You’ve just taken weird mashups to a whole new level by bringing together the art of Bedazzling with your pubes. Yeah. Who wouldn’t find that both classy and romantic? Hey, Cinderella, screw the glass slipper. Now there’s a new kind of crystal to leave behind for your prince charming and it goes on your crotch. Let’s see those evil stepsisters slip THAT on for size.
Tip Two: Bareback Mounting
Denuding in front of a woman who made it through med school is intimidating enough, but nothing makes a lady feel like more of a fucktard than showing a doctor her pussy when it’s waxed so bald it could star in its own episode of To Catch a Predator. Enter: The Merkin. Use of the pubestache dates back to the mid 1400s when common street whores glued on vagibeards to hide their syphilis symptoms. What’s that? You didn’t realize a list about pubes would contain more useless information than a transcript of Alex Trebeck sleep talking? Well, class is in session, bitches, so sit down, shut up, and prepare to learn another juicy tidbit. Merkins were also employed to hide the alopubecia that tends to occur when a hooker discovers she’s contracted a lice infestation on her chonch and has no choice but to mow her lawn with a Lady Bic. But you don’t have to exterminate a menagerie of flesh parasites to appreciate the joys of applying hair extensions to your clit. If you like a Brazillian wax for the bedroom but don’t want to bring your kinkfest into the exam room, the merkin is the miracle (grow) product for you. Simply remove the glue strip, place hair where it would naturally appear if you weren’t so ashamed of the style The Holy Father chose for you, and trim the edges so your OB-GYN doesn’t have to hunt through a forest of someone else’s follicles to find your danger zone.
Option Three: The Nate Berkus
We’ve all heard the old cliché about the carpet matching the drapes, but if we’ve learned anything from Oprah’s interior design guru, it’s that we shouldn’t be afraid to play with colors. Get in there and really mix and match. Use the full spectrum of the color palate. Pretend you’re that creepy dude with the Caucasafro who paints happy little tress on his cable access show. If you’re a golden blonde on top, try gray accents below. Youth on your head, wisdom on your crotch. You don’t have to be a Debra Messing doppelganger to enjoy the confidence that comes with spreading your legs only to shock the shit out of your gyno with your faux firecrotch that’s as visually offensive as it is confusing. Once she recovers, your doctor will appreciate how your creativity enlivened her quotidian routine. Think of the Nate Berkus as your color mullet: business on your cranium, party in your paper gown.
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